Migraine, Migraine, Go Away

Image by KERBSTONE from Pixabay

I’m fed up. Frustrated. Another flare. Six days in. Months of flares. Chronic vestibular migraine, a heaviness in my head. 

I want to feel well. I want to be able to make plans with family and friends, without the worry that I will feel unwell and have to cancel. So many times I’ve visited family and have felt poorly. The last time I saw my grandparents I struggled to keep my “everything’s ok” mask from falling off my face, revealing what was truly underneath—exhaustion, a head and ears throbbing full of pressure, blurred vision, light sensitivity, a hangover (but I hadn’t touched a drop), pain behind my left eye, imbalance, ear screaming, difficulty finding the right words, lost concentration, desperation to feel well enough to enjoy this precious time. It hurts to not be able to fully experience time with loved ones. I smile. I look around the table at my family, watching their faces, their expressions, and their movements. They don’t see behind the mask. My hearing loss hinders my ability to fully partake in the exchange of words, but it is my migraine and vestibular issues that tug at my attention, trying persistently to steal every moment, my presence. 

I have to be careful not to use too much energy, otherwise, I will have a flare-up. Not enough sleep, a flare. Too much sleep, a flare. Hormonal changes, a flare. Feeling tired, a flare. Too much heat, a flare. Not enough natural light, a flare. Too much screen time, a flare. A change in weather, a flare. Too much stress, a flare. Too much exercise, a flare. Too much travel, a flare. Time in a busy environment, a flare. 

I want to run until I’m exhausted. I want to push myself with my business plans. I want to learn so much more. I want to fly to the other side of the world. I want to stay up late and have a lie-in. I want to go out dancing all night. I want to have a blowout—to drink a bottle of wine and eat unhealthy food. My body says “no”. I don’t always listen. Moderation is key. Routine is a must. 

I want to make plans for the future. But I can’t rely on my body to be healthy on a given day. I can’t commit to social plans. I let people down. People only understand a grain, the smallest part of this condition. I don’t want to be a burden or a bore. I don’t want this to define me. I am so much more than my migraine and vestibular issues. I have ambition and dreams, and a determination that will never fade. I want people to see who I am, not what I am dealing with. 

Treatments are trial and error but provide much-needed hope. I’m better than I was, but not good enough. I dream of feeling well. Of waking up with energy—natural not forced. Of experiencing a whole day without giving a moment’s attention to this condition. 

My thoughts crawl to a place of weakness, lack of control, and self-pity. A place I can usually avoid. I’m tired. When flares last for days or weeks, they take their toll. I know there will be brightness, but at times the darkness is hard to see through. 

I remind myself of others struggling with much worse. I tell myself that my symptoms will be more bearable soon. I focus on the positives—being loved and having loved ones, a beautiful home, plenty of sunny Spanish days… I focus on what I can control. 

Writing is a relief. Talking helps; my partner stands by my side, holding my hand. 

I am determined not to let this win. I will feel better. I will find a treatment that quashes these symptoms. Or, maybe I will experience a natural break or relief. I take care of myself. Follow the routine. Go to bed at the same time. Get a good night’s sleep. Wake up at the same time. Go outside for morning light. Avoid stress. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Exercise moderately. Take breaks. Listen to my body. I will feel well. I will be able to make plans. I will thrive.