When I was a child, I used to play a game with my sister, called Dizzy Dollies. I don’t know if this was an actual game, or just something my mum thought up as a way of keeping us occupied. The game involved spinning around, usually on grass, with arms outstretched like birds. We’d spin; our arms feeling light from the rotational force, until the dizziness became too much for our brains and bodies to compete with, and we’d fall down with a joyful thud of giggles.
Since my hearing loss, that feeling of dizziness a few moments before falling is always with me; following me around like an unwanted shadow. I now have a sense of dizzy instability, much stronger and more frequent than before my recent vertigo attack. When I’m walking around my apartment, I feel OK. My brain is accustomed to navigating my body around the small enclosed space. However, when I go outside, my stabilisers are removed and my vulnerability is exposed to the vastness of my surroundings. The movement of people on the streets and the cars on the busy roads cause a rapid development of confusion in my balance, and in turn my ability to steer my body with composure is put to the test. When I’m in a crowd, or if I turn around and see someone standing close to me, I immediately feel off balance and the Dizzy Dolly feeling hits again. Every three or four steps I feel a heaviness building inside my head combining with the ever-present pressure in my ears. This weight causes a sensation of my head being forced downwards; a feeling that quickly spreads through my body. My legs become heavy, and the floor seems to lurch towards me. I am constantly trying to find my balance. Sometimes I feel nauseated. Other times I need to sit down to regain my balance. I feel dizzy if I look around too much or too quickly. Certain types of lighting also seem to affect my steadiness, especially in supermarkets or department stores. I’ve noticed some difficulty focusing my eyes now. Sometimes when I try to concentrate my sight on a small area, my focus drifts away and I have to keep forcing it back. I don’t feel comfortable walking close to people with walking sticks, pushchairs, prams, and small dogs, in the worry that I will lose my balance and fall on them.
For the past month, the only advice I have been given is to rest. And I have rested. Yet, if anything, the feeling of dizziness when I am outside seems to be worse than ever. It occurred to me that maybe resting could now hindering my progress.
Whilst searching on the internet for practical advice, I came across a blog entitled ‘Life with Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss’. It was written by a girl named Dana, who had experienced sudden hearing loss in the summer of 2007. In her post ‘Be Active’ Dana describes her return to college after losing the hearing in her left ear. She writes about the challenge of her ‘roller coaster’ bus commute, and the instability she felt when riding the escalator:
‘I made my way to the escalator, gripped the railing firmly, and focus my eyes on my feet to prevent losing my orientation on the long descent to the metro platform… The movement, the echoy noises in the metro, and a constant sense of chaos.’
These experiences were incredibly similar to mine. I felt some comfort in knowing that someone else had also undergone these challenges when travelling on public transport, following a hearing loss. Dana explains how her daily commute became easier during successive months. Then over Christmas, she worked from home and didn’t have to worry about her hearing and balance. When she returned to her classes in the New Year, she comments again on her commute:
‘The bus ride to the metro was just as terrifying as it has been my first week in September. All progress that I’d made on my balance was lost.’
Dana consulted with an audiologist who carried out extensive tests of her hearing, eyes and balance. She also listened to Dana’s story about how her balance had improved during the autumn, and after asking follow-up questions the audiologist gave her a simple instruction:
“You’re healthy but your balance is off. From here on out you need to retrain your brain constantly where your new balance is. And to do that, you must simply stay active. That’s your prescription – to stay active.”
Dana summarizes that ‘During my several sedentary weeks in December, my brain had completely forgotten all of the lessons I had taught it.’
Maybe this is what has happened to me. I have been told to rest, and resting has enabled me to feel stable in the small surroundings of my apartment. But by resting every day, and spending a lot of time indoors, my brain hasn’t needed to work to constantly recalibrate my balance. Perhaps I need to retrain my brain to manage my stability in more challenging situations. Maybe I need to become accustomed to being outside again; to feel more confident travelling on the Metro, riding escalators, and walking on busy streets. Maybe the best thing I can do to help shake this Dizzy Dolly feeling is to ‘stay active’.
In the lack of any better suggestions, this is the prescription I am choosing to fill. I have had enough of resting. I am an active person. I enjoy walking and running and being outside. I have rested enough. This condition is unpredictable, and I can’t spend my days waiting to feel better. I certainly don’t want to be always waiting for the next vertigo attack. I need to focus on continuing with my life as best as possible. I will endeavour to ‘stay active’ and attempt to lose this unwelcome shadow of dizziness.